“Inside us, there is a steep mountain of fear and a deep river of grief,” writes Haemin Sumin in his beautifully illustrated heartwarming bestseller, The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down.
These words never felt more authentic and precious than two years ago—that deep river of grief overflowed in November 2022 when I lost my dear father. However, the tide had never wholly subsided in the months that followed. I had to say a painful goodbye to my girl – my lovely cat and furbaby of 14 years – in July 2023. The river swelled again, and the tide threatened to carry me away.
These past two years, although I could say my goodbyes, there was little relief in the face of the impossible pain and grief that followed. As a writer, I’ve tried to put my feelings into words several times to jumpstart the healing process. The book addict within me sought books about divinity, soul searching, loss, and bereavement. So I’ve slowly carved my way back to the world of spiritual quests, personal well-being, self-love, and self-healing, reflected in my writing choices and growing book piles.
Now, almost two years into the process, my heart feels lighter, and things are finally falling into place. Yes, I am still learning – grief is a lifelong process – but I am now better equipped to cope with devastating loss and rise above the tide of grief. I am sharing a few things I learned here.
Allow yourself to feel.
When grief enters your life, it is messy, unpredictable, and filled with different emotions. It’s good to embrace all these feelings, whatever they may be. Grief cannot be switched off entirely at will, and such feelings may still arise uninvited occasionally, like it or not. It’s about learning to live with the scars.
I had all sorts of emotions before and after grief consumed my life. I felt sadness, anger, and hopelessness during my brief visit to see and spend time with my ailing father for the last time. Then, in the aftermath of his death, I only felt numbness, defeat, and pain. I thought I couldn’t even cry anymore, as my tears had been long exhausted.
With every traumatic experience I encountered, death being the worst by far, I was told that I needed to ‘get up and move on.’ I heard this many times. Moving on may look like well-intended advice at first, but one must take the necessary time to go through the motions, feel the pain, and learn to carry on despite it.
Take the time you need to heal.
Yes, it takes time to close those deep wounds and fully embrace life after loss, but the process is different for everyone. Your wounds may still feel tender and bruised with another passing year, which is ok. Some of us need more time to put the pieces back into place and carry on, knowing the picture will never be the same. Grief has no timeline.
It took me nearly two years to feel like my old self again, but even that old self does not exist anymore. Grief forever changes us at a deeper level, shaping our perspectives and priorities. You may even feel like re-inventing yourself, starting anew, or becoming a better version of yourself. I do feel like that. In the end, we all emerge as different versions of ourselves: battle-scarred, bittersweet, and hopefully better prepared for life’s journey, its beauty and tragedy in equal measure.
Be kind to yourself and others.
Everyone experiences grief differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so there is no reason to feel guilty or judgmental toward others and compare your grief journey to theirs. Be kind and gentle to yourself, and practice self-compassion and self-care first. Listen to your heart. If you need to take some time off and be alone with your feelings, do it. If you seek more support from your family and friends, say it.
Everyone has different needs while grieving. It is best to honour and take care of those needs first. I wish I had paid more attention to my inner voice and recognised that I needed a break from socialising with family and friends. I was not feeling my best on top of the recent tragedies and would further cause myself – and them – unnecessary discomfort and pain. Six months after my father’s death, I flew home to attend his memorial service as I did not make it to the funeral (everything happened too fast those days). I hoped to get some closure or feel comforted being back home, but it did little to my fragile state. I needed to work on myself more before engaging with others.
Prioritise self-care and compassion.
The topic of self-compassion and self-care deserves further mention. Taking care of yourself during the grieving process is essential to regaining your power over grief and loss. Do whatever makes you feel a little better, day after day, whether it is spiritual reading, mindfulness, meditation, exercise, yoga, or seeking professional therapy.
Your emotional and physical well-being is also critical to speed up the healing process during grief. You may be prone to some physical discomfort and illness during this time (I had a cold and abdominal pain) or need to regain more strength. Taking time off to rest and sleep, saying no to lengthy work assignments in those first months of terrible grief, and practising yoga weekly helped me stay calm and sane.
Be open to comfort and support.
Authentic connections and supportive relationships can provide comfort and solace during difficult times, especially when people understand and validate your grief (in my case, losing one’s family member and pet). Having honest conversations about shared grief experiences with family, friends, therapists, and support groups may be beneficial.
At the time of my father’s passing, I knew friends going through similar experiences of losing a family member. I was open to meeting to honour and exchange our memories of departed loved ones, whether chatting over coffee or having a remembrance meal. It comforted me somewhat, knowing I was not alone in my grief. Such connections can unite people and contribute to healing pain, so be flexible in accepting them.
Embrace change and life.
Finally, I want to write about the transformative power of grief. During these past years, I have strived to overcome suffering and loss and use these emotions as a launching board for personal growth, self-discovery, and positive change. Grief can be a powerful guide and teacher for navigating the complex journey of life, perhaps the most powerful in our finite human existence.
There is also a misconception that grief only happens when you lose the people in your life, although it certainly feels that way. Grief extends to circumstances, relationships, and missed opportunities, not just death. Before experiencing the reality of close death, I had already gone through my small moments of grief. Everyone does, though we might not know it then. Therefore, practice kindness and empathy and have no judgment or expectations towards others.
The sadness and melancholy you feel today may be a symptom of grieving yourself for who or what might have been, aka the other version of you, if only things could be different. It is ok to feel sorrow in the darkest moments and find solace in the thought that all will be well.
I started this article with a poignant quote about grief, and I want to end it this time with a complete quotation from Haemin Sunim’s beautiful book, which speaks of compassion and healing.
“Inside of us, there is a steep mountain of fear and a deep river of grief. But there is also the compassionate eye witnessing your inner landscape. May you find your inner witness, the source of freedom and healing.”
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